My Ticket to the Tonight Show

One of these days I'll host the Tonight Show. I've been working on my comedy skills and here's some jokes I came up with earlier today.

Did you hear about John Edwards's wife? She told a supporter on Sunday that if Kerry and Edwards win, there won't be any riots.
After hearing that President Bush asked Kerry if he'd mind running for President in Iraq.

Vice President Cheney said today that he predicts Bush will win 52% to 47%.
Which leads some pundits to believe that the shot he got wasn't actually flu vaccine.

Oh and big news in Iraq. Apparently 380 tons of explosives are missing from a site near Baghdad. However, experts now believe that was just Michael Moore running off with 80 tons of firecrackers.

You may have heard that Bill Clinton is campaigning for Kerry while still recovering from heart surgery. Clinton says he's used to mixing work with beatiful, young cardiac nurses.

And President Bush said that the true history of his administration will be written 50 years from now.
John Kerry suggested we have a global history test first.

Embarassing news for Ashlee Simpson. Ashlee Simpson got caught lip-syncing on SNL a few nights ago. She didn't admit it though and instead blamed it on the band playing the "wrong song". The only person fooled was her sister, Jessica.

It's rumored that Yasser Arafat is going to a hospital. Palestinians deny that saying, quote, "He's not even wrapped with explosives."