Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Randy's Concrete Jungle

The sun was starting to peak over the horizon. I took a step out my front door, looked up into the sky and stretched. "Today I think I'll visit some crazy imaginary place, as if I were high...high on the stinky weed of life," I said and walked over to my driveway.

There she stood, or sat, I suppose. A little grasshopper, wearing a flat straw hat with a pink band.

"Hello there," I said.

"Oh, my!" the grasshopper replied, "You startled me."

"I'm sorry. I was just wondering what you were doing in my driveway, uh, ma'am."

"The name's Marlene Hopper. You can call me Mrs. Hopper."

She sure sounds pretentious. "Well, Mrs. Hopper, if you don't mind me asking, what brings you to my driveway?"

"I'm looking for my husband."

"Oh, what's he look like?"

"A grasshopper, you dern fool, what else?"

I wanted to stomp her after that, but I didn't. "But how can you tell him from other grasshoppers?"

"He'd be the one all hopped up on drugs."

"Oh, he's an addict?"

"No! He's on medication. His psychiatrist prescribed it to him."

"What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing's wrong with him. He's just a tad obsessive and unfocused. He gets one thing on his mind and that's it, at least for a week or so, then it's something else. He doesn't accomplish much of anything. Why, the other day I found him trying to get into the Steinhouses' yard. He couldn't jump high enough though and kept smacking his head on the fence. Finally, I told him to stop with that nonsense and look after Charlie."

"Who's Charlie?"

"Charlie's my boy. He's not doing too well. He's got aids."

"Oh, he's gay?"

"As a matter of fact he is. But homosexuals aren't the only ones with aids, you know."

"Yeah, but if you see a man with 10 wives, you assume he's a Mormon."

"We prefer to be called Latter Day Saints."

"Isn't having a gay son a problem for you, with your Mormon beliefs?"

"The good Lord made my baby the way he is and there ain't nothing wrong with that. Maybe if you actually attended church you'd know what real Christianity is about."

"How do you know I don't attend church?"

"If you see a self-absorbed, superficial punk you assume he's not a church-goer."

"You know, you're very mean for a Christian grasshopper."

"I think it's best I leave now. You bring out the worst in me. Besides, I need to find Bob." She hopped off into the tall grass.

I really need to mow my yard. I walked over to my mailbox. No mail. I headed back for my door, then I saw another grasshopper. I couldn't tell if it was a male or female one, so I just assumed it's a male. He didn't notice me.

"Hey, grasshopper. Are you a dude or a lady?"

"What kind of question is that? I'm a guy, it's obvious! What are you?"

"I'm a guy, but my Anima is female."

"Um...are you on drugs?"

"No. Are you?"

"Actually, yeah. Medication from my psychiatrist."

"Oh, you're Bob!"

"Yeah, I am. How'd you know?"

"I just met Marlene."

"Oh, yeah?"

"She was looking for you."

"I haven't been home for a few days. You see, I got this raise at work..."

Like I care.

"...And I decided to go buy a nice ring for Marlene. But I couldn't find the jewelry store. I got lost in all this grass. Somebody needs to mow once in a while."

"I'm sure they have their reasons for not being able to."

"Like what? It's not tough to mow a yard."

"Maybe they work all week."

"Yeah, but there's the weekend."

"Maybe they go to church and volunteer in the community on the weekend."

"Yeah, maybe. My guess is they're just a lazy bum."


Okay. I know you're thinking what I did was mean. It was. You're saying that I killed Bob because he and Marlene told me the truth about me and I couldn't handle it. Not true. I know I'm a self-absorbed, UnChristian, lazy bum. I'm also selfish and inconsiderate. But a grasshopper who hops around on other people's driveways giving them lawn care advice is just asking to be squished.

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