Friday, September 29, 2006

The Trial - Part Two

Finally, it was our turn. The moment for which Tim and I had prepared for so long.

"Is the defense ready to call its first witness?" asked Judge Judge.

"Yes, your honor," Tim said.

Time for our secret weapon!

"We would like to call our secret weapon, Clayburn Griffin, to the stand."

The secret weapon, which at this point has sort of lost its secret status, provoked a large gasp from the bewildered and stunned audience. They braced themselves for what the weapon, once secret, had to offer.

"Ladies and gentlemen. My client has large, manly feet. Not no little nine and a halves. The defense would like to enter into evidence a size nine and half steel-toed Wolverine work boot and have my client try it on here today. If the boot doesn't fit, you must aquit."

Here a gasp, there a gasp, everywhere a gasp gasp.

"Very well. You may proceed, Mr. Pratt."

Tim brought the boot up to the witness stand and handed it to me. I took off my right shoe and tossed it to the side. Then I tried on the boot. My foot slipped perfectly into it.

Damn! It fits.

"Damn! It fits," Tim said. "Your honor, I ask that that, and everything leading up to that, be stricken from the record."

"Request denied, Mr. Pratt. You may continue questioning your witness."

"Uh, no further questions, your honor."

"Your witness, Mr. Johnson."

Brick stood up with an evil smile on his face. It gave me the shivers. Or maybe it was the coldness of the courtroom. It's practically Fall and they're still running the air conditioners!

"I know you killed Bob. Marlene knows you killed Bob. The jury knows you killed Bob. Tell me, then, what do you think killed Bob?"

The crowd let out a poorly executed gasp.

"Uh, natural causes?" I said.

"Natural causes? Squished by old age, perhaps?"


"After harassing Mrs. Hopper, you ran into Bob, correct?"

"No, I've never met Bob."

"So what did happen after the talk with Mrs. Hopper?"

"I checked my mail and then, I uh, I..."

I ran into Bob. Then I stomped him! I can't say that though. So what do I say I did? I know, I was mowing my grass! But wait, my grass isn't mowed, they could check it. I know....I started to mow my grass, but my lawn mower died. That's it!

"I decided to mow my grass because Bob was making fun of..."

Ah, crap! Let's get the gasping over with.

Gasping, quite enthusiastic gasping I might add.

"So, indeed you did meet Bob!" Brick yelled at me.

"Uh, well, yeah, sort of."

Brick nodded pensively. He put his palms together, tapping his index fingers together. Slowly, his hands lowered. He glanced over at the jury, taking a moment to look each of the twelve in the eyes. Then, looking back at me he said, "Did you kill Bob Hopper?"

Stalling, I said, "Um." Then I started to scratch my right ear with my left hand and poke myself in the chest with my right thumb while rolling my eyes. Tim jumped to his feet, instantly recognizing our secret signal.

"Your honor, in light of recent evidence and quid pro quo and such, I ask for a short recess so that the defense may reexamine its case."

Judge Judge granted the request. Tim and I met in the courthouse restroom to discuss a change in our strategy and pee.


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