Thursday, March 02, 2006

How to Make it Work

If you're lucky enough to have somebody you want to keep, this is for you. I'll be imparting some of my knowledge about giving women what they want (and it probably works fine for girls to use on guys as well).

Women want someone they can trust and who understands them. Simple?
Trust is key in a relationship. The hardest part for us to do is trust someone. We are taught not to take candy from strangers. The news makes it seem everyone's out to harm someone else. It takes a lot to give your trust to someone, and doing so is a big gesture in itself. If you want your woman to trust you, you have to trust her. Take her at her word all the time. Always give her the benefit of the doubt.

But what if she's cheating? Lying? Thinking dishonestly? Or something else? You won't win either way. Suppose she's cheating on you. If you believe she is, and ask her, she'll either say yes, which will crush you, or no, which won't satisfy your need to know. The only thing you can do is trust her.

You think that won't work. She'll walk all over you, do whatever she wants behind your back. This is why it needs to be mutual. When you're the one being trusted, it's important you don't abuse that. Even if she never finds out, the fact you lied to her will make you have a problem trusting her. If you could hide something or trick her, then why can't she do the same to you? This kind of thinking will only hurt the relationship. You have to be 100% honest with her and trust that she will be honest as well.

Of course, you might be saying, but if one person is honest and trusts the other, but the other one isn't, then the honest one gets screwed. It's like that game show, Friend or Foe. I'd hope if you're dating someone you'd consider them a Friend and not a Foe. If you don't put in your side of it, then it won't work anyway. So all you can do is push the 'Friend' button and hope you were right about her.

The second key to women is understanding them. We know that they rank up there with existence, the Force and Jello when it comes to understanding, but the truth is it's possible.

Women all have stuff. Their stuff can be anything. It's whatever is going on in their lives, their thoughts, their feelings. And as a man, it's your job to get her to tell you about her stuff and understand.

Men want to fix everything. That is one problem that prevents us from understanding. "Jerry said I had a big nose." A common man would respond with, "Want me to knock him out for you?" or "Here's $1000, go see Dr. Farooq." Trying to fix this won't work, although she'd probably be happy to have you beat someone up for that or give her some money. What she really wants is you to understand. Think about what she feels. Then, tell her. "He really upset you." or "It sounds like you're really hurt by that."

To understand someone, you have to learn to listen. And here's some tips that will help you listen:

1. Don't ask why - Asking why is counterproductive to communication. It's an attacking question. You can't expect to understand or accept her reasoning either.

2. Don't offer solutions - You can't fix emotional problems with a simple solution. You have to sit back and understand and have empathy for the problem at hand. If you start devising a solution, then you'll miss out on what she wants to tell you.

3. Reflect feeling and content - As we talk, we want to know someone's listening. Let your woman know you understand by reflecting back her feelings or the content of what she's saying. Paraphrase what's she's telling you. Refelecting content helps you to make sure you've got all the details. When you're unclear about something, tell her how you interpreted it and see what she says. When you are listening closely, you can pick up on her feelings. Letting her know that you can sense how she feels tells her you do understand. You realize what she's going through and how it's affecting her emotionally. Think about how you (and other people) act when they're mad. They stomp, slam doors, yell. It's all very obvious. What's going on is that they want someone to realize and know they're mad.

Those are just a few of the biggest pointers for understanding women. There's a lot more to knowing how to listen, but I'll post about that later (if there's any interest).

That sums up my advice. If you read this through and try it out, you'll have a great relationship. Look forward to some more great relationship advice from me in the future.

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