10 Fun Ways to Poke Yourself in the Eye*

Randy made a claim that implied reading my web log was better than poking yourself in the eye. Well, it no longer has to be! That's right, I've assembled 10 different ways to poke your eye, the most exciting, fun and exhilirating possibilities of the modern era. The days of mundanely touching your eyeball with the tip of your index finger are over. Next time you're at a party, impress your friends with your knowledge of eye-poking. Or compete in Taiwan's annual Eye-Poking Competition with confidence and skill. The ten possibilities are endless**!

1. Use a fork. Try to get all the prongs into your eyeball.
   
2. Wear a contact with a banana image on it. Get a monkey to poke at it.
   
3. Watch Pulp Fiction. Everytime you hear the word "Fuck" or a variation, poke your eye with a heroine syringe.
   
4. Find two guys named Larry and Curly, then smack them in creative ways. Eventually you'll be poked in the eye with amazing synchronism.
   
5. Pretend you've just seen Syriana (the George Clooney movie), this will cause you to poke your eye with anything available in hopes of ridding yourself of the terrible image burned into your retina.
   
6. Use your pinkies!
   
7. Use somebody else's pinky toes.
   
8. Lay in bed. Throw a dart straight into the air and try to catch it on its return trip with your eyeball.
   
9. Use a spoon to pluck out your eyeball. Set it on a table, then poke it angrily several times saying, "What are you gonna do about it, huh, huh?"
   
10. Offer your eye a cigarette. When it refuses, force the cigarette into its pupil and say, "Everybody does it."
    

*Clayburn is not liable for any injuries or deaths that may result from these suggested eye-poking techniques. 
**The endlessness of the possibilities ends at option number ten.