Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Losing my Mind

This post is gonna be fuckin' out there. I use the word "fuckin'" not as hyperbole. My feelings are that I'm losing my mind, but I'm not able to lose it and it's in that which causes the frustration leading to my going crazy. I'm too damn stable to go crazy, but too crazy to be stable.

I'm paranoid, but it's justified. Everybody is talking about me, but no one is talking to me. So how do I know they're talking to me? I find hints of it in my cereal! No, that's a joke, but seriously they are and I know it, and I feel like it's minute, but it's so continuous and seems to never end.

I'll forget about it for a while, but then something comes up. Another cereal hint showing me that despite my decades of solitude and non-interaction with society, I'm still the center of gossip.

I desire to be talked to. I don't have people to talk to, but I do like to talk to people. Some people are around me while I talk to them and they talk back. But it isn't enough. I need more.

My mind is stuck in the middle. I can forget about my paranoia and all that crap, but it comes back. I can't deal with it. And I can't completely do without it. It's there, and I want to be crazy, but I can't let myself. I don't want to be crazy, but it would make things much easier.

The other day I made a sandwich with mayonnaise, two eggs over easy and turkey deli meat. I called it a "turkey suicide". If a turkey committed suicide, what would it matter? People would probably just eat him for Thanksgiving without even thanking him. But the real question is how would a turkey kill itself? It hasn't the ability, in fact instinct would prevent it from being capable of killing itself.

To be a turkey is to live!

As I type my mind calms down, but only for a moment. Then it hits me that I'm not yet crazy and I go insane, but not a good insane. It's like an ejaculation that doesn't go anywhere. No boosters on the rocket. How can that even be called an ejaculation? Technically, it ejects, but not in the sense that a pilot ejects from his downed jet with tremendous thrust, sending him up into the sky to safety. But it's more like a turkey lays an egg. It's not much of an ejection, but rather just a fall. An analogy for my analogy. That's like a something.

So, anyway, I'm always out of stuff to write about and now I have something. It's my own psychosis, but still, it should have been yummy.


P.S. I'm not on drugs!

P.S.S. Cabbage is my random word.

P.S.S.S. Randomness...that is good. But is the world random? Is random real? No! It doesn't exist. But I shouldn't exist either. Nothing should exist. Everything is a paradox and therefor should have 'sploded by now. Forces are all opposing each other, making everything real and nothing matter. But the only thing that matters is that nothing is real. Like a ping pong match, but with people who never lose, never miss the damn ball, despite it's tiny size and extreme bounciness.

1 comment:

Robocop said...

I should have destroyed you when I had the chance! Your blog is terribly unlawful.