Friday, October 06, 2006

Guest Poster: Robocop - Issue Warning


As you may have heard, I recently took it upon myself to regulate the internet. My first task coming out of retirement is to give Clayburn a warning for his so-called "web log".

I began reading your blog a few months ago. It had soon been obvious that this blog has been infecting the public with idiotic commentary, rebellious attempts at art and nonsensical nonsense (the most unlawful of unlawful internet crimes!).

My first objective was to search out Clayburn and destroy him. However, I quickly found that nobody is reading his blog, and so I decided I could let him off with a warning...this time.

I called the local police department and got Clayburn's home address. At around three in the afternoon, I showed up at his front door. He finally answered the door in his pajamas about five minutes after I had rang the doorbell.

"Hello, Mr. Griffin. I am Robocop," I said. "And I am here to issue you a warning for your extremely unlawful blog."

"Hi, Robocop," he replied. I had the impression that he was high, however none of my sensors picked up anything and they're infallible.

"Please sign here," I said handing him a clipboard with the warning citation attached.

"Did I win something?"

I wanted to snap his neck right then and there, as our Founding Fathers would have done, but I remained calm. "No, sir. You have been issued a warning. Should you continue with your peccant blog I will be forced to destroy you in accordance with the law."

"Oh, ok," he said and signed the paper. I tore off the yellow carbon copy and handed it to him. Suddenly, a black Eclipse drove down the street going nearly fourty-five miles per hour. The speed limit was only thirty-five.

"Say 'No' to drugs," I told Clayburn as I turned to chase after the speeding malefactor.

They stopped at the light, preparing to make a left turn. As I neared their back bumper they floored it. "Hault or be destroyed, punk!" I yelled after them. It was clear which option they chose.

As they drove down Grimes, getting further away, I began to assemble the rocket launcher which I always carry in my side compartment, for just these circumstances. They were at some distance when I had finished. I considered letting them go, but then I thought about the children. Yes, the children. They were the reason I was in this business. I couldn't let them down. I fired the rocket.

I accidently hit a school bus. Fortunately, I had a second rocket. I fired it. The rocket impacted the Eclipse just as they entered onto a busy intersection. Their car blew into pieces.

A mere 10 seconds later, I arrived at the scene. The explosion had caused a traffic disturbance. Thinking back to my early programming, I quickly began directing the vehicles as they approached the intersection. Finally, the local authorities arrived on scene. There was no trace of the driver of the Eclipse. I can only estimate he escaped, unscaved. He no doubt is wreaking havoc on the citizens of Hobbs, America. I vow to you, here today on this very blog, I will find him and bring him to justice.

4 comments:

Master Yoda said...

What??? Not the exclusive guest poster am I? Outraged I am! Let a trashcan post you do. Say what about me does that? In the same league as Inspector Gadget I am not! Demand more respect I do.

POTSMOKER! said...

well it was ok.. but robo cop.. um a little different. oh shit.. and this part u just had to throw that in didnt you! "Say 'No' to drugs
always heather the Stoner!!!!

Anonymous said...

Wow... random. And comments... random. nice story... I still prefer the one about the cricket.

Robocop said...

Potsmoker!

I demand information of your whereabouts. You are under arrest and scheduled for destruction. Drugs and cursing are not allowed on the internet, nor anywhere for that matter.

I will find you!